The Song of Steve

I was going to try to present the story of Steve as a form of epic poetry, hence the title of this post. But all the epic poetry writing I've done (including, but not limited to, a sequel to the Longfellow piece entitled "Hiawatha II: Chief Charlie and the Wicked Wigwam") tells me that the format is too limiting, and wouldn't allow me to fully delve into the details that make the story so intriguing.

Allow me to introduce you to Steve, a coworker of mine. Steve's a good dude. He had been with my company for a few years before I really got to know him. At that point, it slowly began to dawn on me that Steve wasn't a regular guy. He was special. Unique, even. Why?

Steve ate more fast food than I ever thought possible.

Like clockwork, every weekday included a trip to BK for lunch, and then dinner at Wendy's. Every now and then he'd mix it up by forgoing Wendy's - for more BK. The man loved his King.

There's more. Much more. Steve's uniqueness was not limited to the sheer quantity of food he consumed. More impressive was the specific items he ordered.

Lunch (BK): King-sized Double Cheeseburger meal. With a Coke.
Dinner (Wendy's): Spicy chicken meal.

Steve and I worked together for few years, and he rarely - if ever - strayed from this pattern. Every now and then he'd tack a Hershey's pie on to the BK meal. I remember once he tried a triple cheeseburger. And sometimes he'd get his meal regular-sized. But that was about the extent of his intrepidity.

Why the double chee, and never the Whopper? "Too much vegetation." Right, Steve, wouldn't want a piece of lettuce to get in the way of all that beef. Moreover, he'd remove the L & T from the spicy chicken sandwich, again, because he couldn't stomach the greenery.

There was even a very specific ritual associated with the lunch routine. Despite the fact that there are multiple BK franchises within a short radius of our company, Steve would visit the same location every time ("The Coke is better there," he'd say). He'd always use the drive-thru, then take his meal to a parking area adjacent to a river, and eat the meal in his car while listening to the Dan Patrick show on ESPN radio. I wonder how Dan would feel if he knew that he was such an integral part of Steve' life.

He went there so often that the BK drive-thru attendants came to know him. His meal was ready for him before he even placed the order. Sometimes he was given a free Hershey's Pie, sometimes they'd upsize his meal for free. Once, one of the attendants confided that her coworker was attracted to him. Steve responded with, "That's nice, thanks," before speeding away.

As an aside, that's a woman I'd love to have a brief conversation with. Although the relationship went nowhere, perhaps it was a prospective fairy tale romance that was simply never meant to be. Or perhaps she was just desperate. Who falls for a guy who eats cheeseburgers every day, anyway?

Health issues? Highest cholesterol physician had ever seen, etc.

Topics

Just some things I want to be sure to cover at one point or another.

- TB's old-school chicken
- Border Light menu
- Top 10 limited-time items? Three Cheese Melt, Cheesy Gordita Crunch, McRib, Four(?)-Alarm Double Decker
- Texas Taco - ancestor of the gordita
- Cookie comparo - BK, McD, Subway...?
- Top 10 value items? Highest dollar-to-mass ratio, or quality-to-mass ratio? Or just dollar-to-quality ratio? Two different lists? Bean Burrito, side salads (Wendy's, BK), baked potato
- Top 10 underrated items?
- Top 10 innovations - double decker, Chicken McGrill, Whopper?, Big Border Taco, McDLT
- FF haiku, songs?
- Favorite FF personalities - Little Richard, TBH, Eric
- Top 10 best ad campaigns? Where's the Beef, Swimwear
- Top 10 worst ad campaigns? Chihuahua
- Fast food in music ("head for the border, go get a taco")
- Fast food in movies ("Royale with Cheese", McDowell's)
- Second Law of Fastfoodynamics: something like, salt AND/OR fat = flavor

Top 10 Mysteries of the FFU

Another running list, which I should be able to fill out before long. If/when the mysteries are solved, I'll remove them from the list and put them somewhere else.

1) The Riddle of Bourbon Street Cajun Cafe - If you've spent any time at your local shopping mall's food court, you're probably familiar with this enigmatic establishment. I've seen a few in my time, and they all have the following the features in common:

A) Menu lists a couple of vaguely cajun-y sounding specialties, like the eponymous Bourbon Chicken
B) Menu lists a couple of vaguely Chinese-y sounding specialties, like fried rice and BBQ pork
C) Employees are invariably of Asian descent

Where am I going with this? Let me point out one more thing before delving further into the Cajun Conundrum: BSCC's specialty is, not surprisingly, Bourbon Chicken (which they aggressively offer to passersby on toothpicks, a pet peeve of mine - but that's a different story for a different time). It's basically chunks of boneless thighs glazed with a sweet soy-flavored sauce. Now, the mall I visit with some regularity has, in addition to BSCC, a Panda Express (fast food's entry in the Chinese food category, for those not in the know). Panda makes a dish they call Mandarin Chicken, which is basically chunks of glazed boneless thighs in a sweet soy-flavored sauce. Sound familiar? Here's a fun thing I'd like to try one day:

1) Visit Bourbon Street and purchase a plate of Bourbon Chicken over fried rice.
2) Walk fifty feet down to Panda Express and purchase a plate of Mandarin Chicken over fried rice.

Then, either:

3a) Conduct a blind taste test, and see if fellow mallgoers can distinguish between BSCC's and Panda's offerings; or
3b) Send both plates to an independent laboratory, and see if they can find any chemical/compositional differences between them.

I contend that Bourbon Chicken IS Mandarin Chicken. Moreover, I believe BSCC is, at its core, a Chinese food establishment, just like Panda. For all I know, behind the food court facade lies a single kitchen that produces food for both restaurants.

Of course, BSCC offers several items exclusive to their menu. But even these generally aren't remotely Cajun. Sweet plantains? Tasty, sure, but about as cajun as gefilte fish. Same goes for the lo mein - err, ahem, I mean noodles.

The logic completely escapes me. It makes about as much sense as the people behind, say, Nathan's purchasing Panda Express, hiring non-Asian workers to run it, and then replacing the Sesame Chicken and wonton soup with hot dogs and hamburgers. Oh, and selling tacos there as well.

I'm not knocking BSCC. Really, I'm not. I actually go there every now and again. But I don't kid myself - I know what I'm getting. It's good for what it is, and what it is is Chinese food. Damn it.

The mystery: why? Whose bright idea was it to dress up a Chinese place as a bad cajun restaurant? Was it some kind of joke? A bet? Is it as completely inexplicable as it seems? Cajun Conundrum indeed...


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